By Proxy Kind of Love: An Unconventional Service Marriage Story
By Jana N. Yost, M.A., APCC | Coach & Consultant
Marriages connected to fire, police, military or veteran service rarely follow a normal script. They are unconventional by everyday standards, shaped by long hours, distance, and stressors most people never see. Love still exists, but is carried differently, often quietly and without recognition. In these marriages, life is unpredictable, and you learn to adapt long before you are ready.
When someone asks how we met or got married, I can tell right away they are expecting a normal story. The kind that neatly fits into a sentence or two. Ours never does. We met online, and we have two wedding dates. One of them happened while we were not even in the same country.
Service marriages often do not follow a traditional timeline. For fire wives, police families, veteran and military spouses, decisions are shaped by deployments, fire season, shift work, orders, geography, and logistics most people never have considered. Love does not get to unfold slowly or neatly. It shows up in paperwork, long goodbyes, short reunions, missed holidays, and choices that look unconventional from the outside.
Another deployment was coming, and I needed to be added to military orders. Waiting another year was not an option. By-proxy marriage exists for moments like this. We went through a company based in Montana. People we didn’t know stood in our place, filling the gap service life made by making it impossible for us to be there. It was not romantic. It was necessary. We did not tell many people. When someone said this is not something to tell others, I felt the shame set in. Not because a decision was wrong, but because our story did not fit what people expect marriage to look like.
I was in Germany, visiting my now spouse, when I found out we were married. Not through a phone call or ceremony, but through email congratulating us. I read it more than once to make sure it was real. Married, yet still unsure. Certain of us, but aware of our story already looking different.
I grew up in the Central Valley with a picture in my head of what getting married would look like. I imagined Yosemite. A small chapel tucked into the valley. Something simple and steady. Life had other plans. Back home, everyday Central Valley life kept moving. Fields being worked. Flags raised. Quiet pride in service. Service life taught me how complete strangers can fill in the gap for you in a time of need. I see that same strength in the Valley.
We had a wedding later with friends and family, and that day mattered. But February 6 will always matter too. It was the foundation. The day our marriage began quietly. Unconventional love does not always start in the way you imagine it will. Sometimes it begins with an email, in another country. Service spouses carry more than most people see, and kindness begins with listening. If you are in a service marriage, I want you to know that your experience is real, your sacrifices matter, and you are not alone.
